=============================================================================== RA #018: The Coffee Fairy by P.J. Maybe =============================================================================== My bed is comforting. It's not too soft, not to hard. The sheets are not too heavy and not too light. I am the perfect temperature, I need not move. I am in the state of bliss that comes after slowly waking and realizing that you can lounge in bed for a while longer. This is true luxury. Until, of course, I do have to get up. Today is going to be a good day, for a change. I will get up out of bed, I'll make myself some coffee, then read the newspaper. It will be nice. I have no plans other than that, and that is fine with me. Today will be simple and good. Slowly I get out of bed and get "dressed". For me, this means putting on boxer shorts and a t-shirt. After pulling on something that doesn't smell too dirty, I shuffle out to the kitchen, seeking to appease my growing caffiene headache. Once in the kitchen I quickly plug in the coffee machine and start looking for coffee. I don't know why I misplace it all the time. Hell, I'm not sure if I even do misplace it. It could be some boggin or sprite for all it's worth. Anyways, I find the coffee. I tear open the top of it's package and inhale deeply. It is one of the most wonderful smells in the world. It's hard to describe, but if you love coffee you know exactly how it smells. I'm not a coffee conisseur, but I know what I like. I pick up my coffee scoop and plop two scoops onto the filter paper, which I then load into the coffee machine. Next I open the dishwasher, looking for the coffee pot. Much to my dismay, I find it. "But for what reason would you be dismayed to find your much needed coffee pot, o narrator of renown?" you might ask. And my answer would be "Because in doing so I have discovered that said coffee pot has been broken by this ignoble machine!". My mind, far from the above dialogue, entered a downward spiral. I could see the yellow-grassed plains of a coffeeless morning rushing upwards as my brain hastened to splatter into it. I did not like this feeling. But, before I could begin to mope, I realized that I still had a perculator. "Rejoice, rejoice," cried my brain, "I shall not splatter indignantly upon that sickly grassed field on this morning!". Quickly I found the perculator and set it on the counter, ready to load it with beautiful ground coffee beans. I turned on a stove burner in anticipation, then opened the perculator. Out of the perculator popped a pretty little fairy! Fae and fair is the best way to discribe her, for her skin was pale and her hair dark. In addition to having four little wings like a dragon fly (which appeared to be made of gossamer), she was but 8 inches tall. She sat on the rim of the perculator, eyeing my in a fae-coy fashion. "Good morning, P.J.!" she giggled breathily. "Uh, hello," I responded - taking this all in stride, for I have seen many peculiar happenings, "Would you mind getting your legs out of my perculator, I need to make coffee." "No, not until you do something for me." She narrowed her pretty little fairy eyes. "And what would that be?" "One of two things. Either you could marry me, or you can answer my riddle." I thought for a moment. Would it be wise to take a wife who is but eight inches tall? That's only twenty centimeters, and the size difference would make much domestic life difficult (I speak mainly not of copulation, but of many other things that are involved in sharing a household with a fairy). Since marriage would be dreadfully inconvienent and I did not love her, I put forth my answer: "I shall take the riddle, fairy." "Damn, I was hoping that you would marry me. I don't really have a riddle, more of a skill testing question. It's not easy, but it will have to do." "What if I don't get it right?" I laughed nervously. "Then you have to marry me or never drink coffee again." Her voice had a very threatening tone, which was surprising for her size. Certainly she was a creature of magic. "Never again?" My mind boiled with fear of this outcome, "That's harsh." "Never again. No eating coffee beans, either!" She balled her little fairy fists in what I suspect would have been her attempt to appear stern. Her body did not match her vocal range. I was glad I wasn't going to be marrying her. "Well, hurry up and ask the question." I was getting impatient. "Alright then. Exactly how does a perculator work?" I thought. I had it explained to me before, but it wasn't fresh in my mind. I thought of boiling water, of it bubbling up through some sort of a grate and mixing with the ground coffee. "Hurry. I don't have all day either." She tapped tiny fingers against the metal of the rim next to her leg. "It's uh.. Water, boiling. And um, it bubbles up and then, um..." I was almost stuttering. I couldn't explain how a perculator worked. The pressure was enourmous, I could not bear to live without coffee, and I did not want to marry the fairy. "It's just a simple perculator" she giggled, "I'll explain it after we've married." Suddenly the civilized part of my mind broke. I leapt forward and grasped the buxom little fairy by her tiny throat with my right hand. She shrieked, and I grabbed her legs with my left hand. She squirmed, trying to scream. "PERCULATE THIS, SLUT!" I screamed as I violently crammed her into the perculator. Once I had her into the perculator, I grabbed a nearby spoon and jammed her even more tightly into it. I poured water into the perculator, then loaded the coffee. After that, I set the perculator on the burner. I went outside to get the morning paper. It was execptionally good perculator coffee that morning. =============================================================================== Rectal Anarchy: (c) 1999 P.J. Maybe Distributed by Rectal Anarchy ===============================================================================